Its now June and many months have passed since I last wrote on this blog. I just haven't felt like it.
For a long while I wasn't even sure if I would continue at uni or rather if I could. A step at a time, a day at a time, I made it to Christmas 2014 and then second semester and I knew I could and would continue.
I have had my medication changed and upped and am now much more settled with myself, learning to live with my illness. I walk twice a day with my adopted labradoodle, Lola; I try to go horse riding each week, weather and hooves permitting, with my neighbour. Accepting and being gently with myself.
In the lead up to end of year assessments for Level 5, I started having major meltdowns, anxiety attacks, the worst I've ever had. Or so I thought. Except that one of them took me back to post natal depression and I suddenly realised I'd been here before. Not just then, but all my life, before children, as a teenager, as a child. I've always suffered with them, but hadn't realised until now. Had anyone else ever realised?
I get so tired, mornings are the worst for me, not wanting to get up, the lure of going back to bed sometimes too great. If I need to rest, then I rest and its ok to do so. It was like this when I first started taking my medication and again, when the dose was upped, but this is different, this is one of nature's gifts, of being a woman.
While friends around me have only just started families, my ovaries are winding down, moving into retirement.
Is it fun? No.
Are their effects? Yes! Sweating, tiredness, memory loss and my joints hurt, arthritis!!!
Do I mind? No, I don't, its really ok!
Its just another stage in my life, to learn to live with, to embrace. But maybe after just a small nap!
There's been a lot in between my last posting and now; I'll fill in as and when, but then I shall be moving to a-n website through to my graduation!!!
