Silence: 'Coming out'

At the end of July I wrote the post Summer Project - Silence: Black Dog. At the time I was trying really hard to do all the right things, being Mindful, soaking up some Vitamin D, gardening etc etc. But to no avail, I just wasn't improving . . . why not?

Because, I was trying too hard . . . to do the right things, to do my best, my utmost, pushing and pushing. I just didn't see what I was doing to myself . . . and then I crashed. It felt like the end of the world, anxiety went through the roof and I fell apart.

This isn't the first time, but for some reason I haven't so far been able to see the pattern, to learn from it and not keep doing it to myself. This in itself is cause for self loathing:

"How can I be so stupid?"

In my mind I'm smacking my hand repeatedly against my forehead . . . screaming inside.

"Stupid, stupid stupid, idiot, incompetent, no wonder people don't like you, think you're useless and crap . . . why can't
you just be normal, what's wrong with you????!!!!".


I had offered my help volunteering at a 'Time to Change' event at the Museum of East Anglian Life and attended training on the Wednesday before. At the training I had been really anxious to attend, but everyone else was so nice and it actually ended up feeling safe to be there with them all. Everyone had their own issues, but still wanted to help others. I was looking forward, although nervously, to attending on Saturday. It was the Friday night before the event that I crashed. I wasn't sure I'd be able to attend I was in such a state, but after crying in the shower first thing, I thought no it would be good for me to go ahead and do it anyway. It was good to do it, I think I was a bit neurotic with the other volunteers, but hopefully they will forgive me.

It felt really good connecting with people and I felt a particular connection with the young Mums there and the pressure of being a parent. I had some excellent frank conversations, with people opening up to me. It was also good to be volunteering with other people who also have problems, lets hope I don't mess it all up.

That evening and the following day were difficult dealing with the aftermath of events. I awoke in the night having a major panic attack, but I knew from experience that if I could get back to sleep I would be able to recover, thankfully this was correct. Sleep has always been my saviour.

I spoke with my doctor, who referred me to the Mental Health Link Officer attached to our surgery (apparently every surgery has one). I went in to see her and couldn't stop crying. She took notes and referred me on and a doctor proscribed some antidepressants. The side effects weren't too bad, apart from slight nausea and tiredness. I very soon had an initial assessment with the mental health team, followed up by an appointment to see the psychiatrist, this alone gave me some comfort. When I saw her she asked more questions and we talked. She feels most of my problems stem from dysfunctional relationships in my childhood and very low self esteem. My meds are to be upped and she feels that I really need to be on them permanently to stop me cycling back down again and again (something i agree with wholeheartedly), this in itself with be challenging. There is the danger that as soon as you feel better you convince yourself you don't need to be on them again, that you are cured!

I had hoped for a label, something to grasp onto to explain why I am the way I am, or even blame, but even without this 'label', I actually for the first time feel I can see a glimmer of hope in the distance. But still one day at a time.

The next step was to talk to my tutors about what has been happening as I was getting really stressed about starting back, recommended by the psychiatrist. I emailed them all and had a chat with one of them and others said we would talk first week back. Plenty of support, encouragement and just general heart to heart chat. I need to have a balance of uni to private/home life this year and not to work too hard, but work smart and not burn out again.


With this awakening of the reality of the extent of my problems I decided to 'come out' on my mental health issues. I've spent my entire life hiding from 'me', probably subconsciously trying to be someone else and constantly seeking approval. I think I also get scared and back away from new relationships for fear of people seeing into me and seeing what an awful person I feel that I am, not letting them get close.

I'm not expecting 'coming out' to be completely plain sailing, but so far I am getting really good support, positive comments and lots of frank conversations from people also struggling. Some of whom have said since talking about their medication they have found out that others they know are also on meds, some for years and they had no idea.

We are not alone!!!

I know its going to be a long journey and possibly very difficult, but I want to be happy, I have to be happy, primarily for myself, but also for the people that love and care about me, they deserve to have me happy.

So if you know me or meet for the first time, if I'm reserved or awkward or uncomfortable, or just quiet, there is a reason, I'm not 'stuck up' or rude, just in pain.

Suicide

As part of my Summer Project 'Silence: Black Dog', I have talked about the recent suicide of Brittany Missen and touched on my own depression and anxiety.

Having spent the usual time on Pinterest today, I started a new board on suicide. I looked at the feelings of those who feel suicidal, attempt suicide, succeed in ending their lives and also at the aftermath for those left behind. In the majority of cases no suicide note is left, unlike in the movies. This leaves so many questions for the family and friends, for which there often are no simple answers, especially if it was completely unexpected.

Having let it all mull around in my head I felt I wanted to write something in response:

Suicide

Everything stops . . .

Silence . . .

The world is still revolving . . .

The clocks keep ticking, reminding you that in spite of the end of life as you knew it, as you didn't know you loved it and wouldn't, NOW, have changed for the world . . .

You can't eat, why would you . . .

To eat, breath or unforgivably, laugh, would mean life was moving on, continuing . . .

But that isn't possible, how can it, it isn't right . . . is it?

No, we must mourn as no-one has ever mourned before . . .

We berate, flagellate, wail . . .

But mostly, we just ask, ‘why’? . . .

They were loved so much, meant so much, were such a good friend, so many memories, so many laughs . . .

So we look back at the photographs . . .

Can we see a change? . . .

Were the eyes dead, when the face was smiling? . . .

There aren't really answers . . .

For them . . . there was either so much pain, that if it were physical, you would hear the screams from the moon . . .

Or there was nothing . . . no pain, but equally . . . no pleasure . . .

Just . . . a never ending vision of nothingness . . . no hope . . . no joy . . . nothing . . .

Stretching further than they could see . . . further than forever . . . .

Suicide.

Bill died too Young

Really sad news last night, someone else died too Young, ironically his name was Bill Young. He loved life and lived it to the full, traveling the world and making the most of every day, posing, messing around and generally being great fun to be around by all accounts. This is definitely my memories of him. I particularly remember a party at his house and a surprise birthday cake for me, bbq in the garden, messing around and the sudden realisation that the neighbours had recorded us being twits and were playing it back. The last communication I had with him was to send a photo of watersports at Felixstowe Ferry and the hope he might come up, but sadly not.



He died on Tuesday at Combe Gibbet in a paragliding accident, probably with a smile on his face.

Life is short, seize the moment, you don't know how many more moments there may be. Bill, you were an inspiration to us all and my thoughts are also of your family and what a large whole your loss must leave. One of his many friends put this video together, sums him up well.

Love to you Bill xxx

Let Peace Be Your Friend Tonight

Verse 1
There are red days, there are blue days
But, always there are grey days
There are good days, there are bad days
But, always there are sad days
There were my days, there were our days,
But, now there are only grey, sad, lonely days

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Verse 2
No money in the metre, the summer’s day so cold
Friendships held so dear are now passed and old
Rain upon the window, today no sun will shine
Boxes packed and our treasures stolen away
These clouds won’t hold a silver lining, come what may
With clothes all gone, empty cupboards echo your pain

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Verse 3
Whales echo your song beneath the beckoning waves
Foxes bark their mournful call across the moon’s haze
Alone in the depth of dark, no warmth beside you tonight
Did you ever share those moments or was it all in your head?
Will life ever hold any hope or only dread?
Tears sob your pain, there is no peace tonight

Chorus
Like the change in the weather, when the sun won’t shine
Like the loss of your appetite and no more red wine
There will always be hope and a dream of times to come
There will always be a story and a cloak to hold you tight
Let tears wash away your pain and peace be your friend tonight

Louise H Todd

Ooh string! - The Web we Weave

Went into uni today with Audit Chaos and took in my box of essentials. Emily showed me where she has been encamped recently on the second floor and I set-up camp next to her. Comfy chair, table placed at a jaunty angle, lid off box . . . let the games begin!

I am of course wearing my Stop Mental Health Stigma wristband from Charity www.sane.org.uk



I started by simply putting up a couple of posters relevant to Black Dog:


Having already planned to put up some sort of sign for Level 5, I decided to break open my box of alphabet stamps for their first use:


I had a rummage through my box and found my string, quickly followed by a moment . . . this is what happens when you set two Fine Art students loose in a studio with a ball of string!


This is all well and good, but how do you get back in and obviously out again?!

Slightly embarrassing when interviewees were shown around the studios whilst we were ensconced inside, oh well.

Summer Project - Silence: Black Dog

We have a Summer Project, to keep the momentum going and in preparation for Level Five. The first session back for us will be a presentation and review of the work. Last semester my work had the title Silence: Discovery & Exploration, partially in response to the work of John Cage. This project title is Silence: Black Dog, the title reflecting my learning and exploration of the condition Dysthymia, long term depression, which I have suffered from for most of my life. The term 'Black Dog' was first coined by Sir Winston Churchill in his struggles with depression.



History
Aged 17 I went on a two week holiday, with two sisters, to Malia in Crete. We had a great time and arrived back tanned and tired. I told Mum I was going to go upstairs and unpack, and feeling tired I laid down for post holiday recovery nap . . . I didn't wake up until the next morning. Apparently, Mum wasn't surprised, I had obviously looked really tired.

I returned back to work, but the tiredness continued and a short while later I was diagnosed with Glandular Fever, nicknamed 'the kissing illness'. This was to prove a horrible time and to have a long term effect on me. Initially you have no energy and sleep all the time and it was a long time before I could go back to work. And when I did I went back too soon, as my liver was swollen from Jaundice and I couldn't wear skirts or other close fitting clothes around the waist making sitting at the work bench uncomfortable too.

What they don't tell you when you're diagnosed with Glandular Fever, is that there will be other joyful effects to contend with: Neuralgia; legs cramps; for many years after I would suddenly be hit by overwhelming tiredness and have to lay down and sleep (confirmed by other fellow GF suffers); and depression. My Mother felt I was never the same afterwards.

This was the first time I'd felt like that, but looking back over my life, I certainly think I'd had a lot of issues as a child and I didn't find teenage years easy at all. I was tall and very thin, turned out I was iron deficient, along with a high metabolism, which had kept the weight off. I had low self-esteem, not helped by the fact that as a primary school student I had thought I was stupid. It turned out I wasn't, but I had little praise as a child and my parents weren't big on physical affection either.

A feeling of being misunderstood is something that has continued well into adulthood. when I first meet people, I tend to sit back and observe before jumping in to communicate and because of this people often make the judgement that I'm being stand-offish. I'm not really, I just feel happier to get a feel for who people are first, before I join in, probably a self-protection mechanism.

I had post-natal depression after the birth of my daughter and so when pregnant with my son we prepared to try and avert the recurrence, by having ready hormone replacement to be injected daily for several days immediately after the birth. Sadly this didn't work and I suffered terrible depression after my son was born, to the point that, if I hadn't have got the help I did, when I did, I don't think I would be sitting here now writing this blog.

I've had many bouts of depression since then, thankfully not as severe, but I've only ever seen them as individual instances and not linked, seems stupid now. A few years ago a work colleague pointed out that I always seemed to get down around October time and then start to come out of it in Spring, something else I hadn't realised before. Its amazing how unaware of yourself you can be.

Brittany Missen
In May this year, just before her 20th birthday, Brittany took her own life. She was a twin, one of my sister's four step-children and the same age as my son. I hadn't seen her much over more recent years, but spent some holidays together with my children when younger. My feelings are obviously nothing compared with her family's, but my daughter and I have struggled with it and so I have brought her death into the project, especially as her family have set-up a charity, The Red Lipstick Foundation to provide support, advice and sharing their feelings for families who have lost a relative or friend to suicide. My Mother was a regular church goer and I grew-up to many religious sayings and I can't help but feel, 'but for the grace of God go I' is particularly poignant.

There is huge stigma attached to mental health issues and it's particularly relevant at the moment regarding funding, or lack of, from the Government. I'm hoping I'm going to be brave enough to fully face and explore the 'Black Dog of Depression' and also the 'Black Cat of Anxiety' (as I see it) on this journey, I will do my best, but who knows, it might prove too difficult to do so at times.

Here is a video that describes depression beautifully and simply.


How am I at the moment? "I'm fine"

The last six months on hold

Back in December 2013, my husband and I started the process of purchasing the village shop in Kirton, with a view to living in the house attached and He running the shop, returning it back to its proper use, for the benefit of the village.

After months of complicated expensive solicitor's work and wondering why it was taking so long, not to mention almost going in to hiding to avoid the village, because we were fed-up of having nothing more to be able to tell them. We finally awaited the message to say we had exchanged and here was the date of completion, having finally packed all our belongings. The message arrived and Husband looked up and said "they've pulled out". "Yes, very funny", was my reply, but he wasn't joking! 

After all this time, with our lives on hold, our things packed and having planned how the shop would look, what He would stock and how we would have the house, not to mention the solicitor's bill, it was over. Disbelief and shock, how could they leave it till now to make the decision they didn't want to go through with it? Thankfully we hadn't given notice on our current house.

The obligatory phone calls where made to close ones and commiserations made and shock has moved in. Instead of Him being devastated He is actually relieved that at least we know and no more waiting.  I am glad in a way that the shop isn't going ahead, it wasn't for me, but I knew it was His dream to see it reinstated. I am devastated about the house. When we moved here it was only ever meant to be temporary to stay here, so we had hadn't really formed an attachment or really made any effort to make it homely, just unpack and make do.

Brief time . . .

Ok, well having taken stock . . . It's a lovely village, nice neighbours and we have a lot for our money here, we would have a lot less elsewhere. So let's make the most of where we are and make it home, be Mindful of our situation.

So we unpacked, but rearranging the house.  Swapped the lounge and dining room round, got rid of some things and put back the pictures. The lounge is now cosy and has the sun all day, with direct access straight into the garden. The garage has been tidied and sorted and the greenhouse cleared out and some seeds planted for the autumn.

My first year art work has been sorted and mostly archived, apart from some of the later work I have a strong attachment to.

We're going to have a bigger dining table and chairs for entertaining. A double bed in the back bedroom for prodigal son returns and guests, not at the same time! We have changed round our bedroom and finally started to make it homely. A shelving unit reminding me of when we were first together. We're nearly there, but I do feel vulnerable as a result of it all (more of that in a different blog).

He's thrown Himself into starting up his own business, as he had originally planned before this all started last year. Grass cutting, TV/hi-fi setup and tutorial and domestic cleaning, fingers crossed!

Me? I'm pottering in the garden, part time working, as and when, grandson minding and starting to look at my summer project. Blogging to free myself and trying to embrace the now and live in the moment, stepping away from negativity and Noise . . . Oh for Silence . . .

Yes, I am good enough!

I've finished my first year of BA (Hons) Fine Art at University Campus Suffolk with two firsts and a 2:2 for my essay, for this semester. Very pleased with the firsts obviously and was initially very disappointed with the essay result. But, having met with my tutor I understand why, know where I went wrong and more importantly know how to improve it.

I have come a very long way since the course began; from questioning my ability to do the course, am I good enough etc, to where I am now, feeling emotional at the lovely things written about me.

Library Installation

As per my blog from 04 May, we've had the chance to create extra work for a Library Installation and today was the day.

Myself, Audit Chaos and Sarah Jacques (Tutor) took part in the installation:


Sarah Jacques installation:


Audit Chaos installation:


My installation:


I couldn't sit in the beanbag and look at my work, I knew I would find it too emotional, but i'm happy.

Territories and Home Exhibition, Gallery 3 - Week 12

Thursday/Friday

Today was setting up at Gallery 3, Ipswich Town Hall, Recreate. Typically it rained hard, perfect for us taking all artwork over on foot, especially when I realised I'd forgotten something in the car!  

Setup was fine, chose spot by the window for the sunlight to go through my carbon prints.

Popped back Friday morning to add in my notebook, to find all the work we'd put up outside on the stairwell and up steps had been taken down and laid in Gallery 3.  Not a great start, but carry on.

My work reflects the Silence of the Town Hall, the unseen and unheard, cracks in surfaces; walls, paintings or the floor.

How many seats graced this seat?

Thousands of visitors have traversed the steps since the 1868 opening, but how many of them looked down and noticed their effect on the surfaces? I have explored in print and projection and transposed the oil painting cracks into and onto plaster.

Do you see the shadows and light?
What happens to the shadows when the sun is gone?
Does they just fade away?

Studio Studies - Week 12

All our other work created in Studio Studies and not relevant to Town Hall Recreate, Drawing Assessment or St Clements Church was to be exhibited for assessment in the Level 4 room.





A huge relief to get it all set-up.

Studio Studies - Week 11

I'm busy preparing for the assessment this week, to be held in St Clement's Church.

We're setting up on the Tuesday 7th May and having an exhibition for friends and family 4-5.00pm.



I'm hoping my work will still be on display for the Thursday 8th May evening public meeting from 7pm.

I've also got work hanging in the UCS Waterfront foyer:



Work also to be in the Town Hall, Gallery Three from Thursday 8th May, some drawings, photos, printwork and a video about the passage of thousands of feet that the floor has seen and whether many of them noticed what was beneath their feet.


Some of my prints are also on the wall on the Art Block top floor corridor:



Work to be exhibited in Prettys on 21st May.