Summer Project - Silence: Black Dog

We have a Summer Project, to keep the momentum going and in preparation for Level Five. The first session back for us will be a presentation and review of the work. Last semester my work had the title Silence: Discovery & Exploration, partially in response to the work of John Cage. This project title is Silence: Black Dog, the title reflecting my learning and exploration of the condition Dysthymia, long term depression, which I have suffered from for most of my life. The term 'Black Dog' was first coined by Sir Winston Churchill in his struggles with depression.



History
Aged 17 I went on a two week holiday, with two sisters, to Malia in Crete. We had a great time and arrived back tanned and tired. I told Mum I was going to go upstairs and unpack, and feeling tired I laid down for post holiday recovery nap . . . I didn't wake up until the next morning. Apparently, Mum wasn't surprised, I had obviously looked really tired.

I returned back to work, but the tiredness continued and a short while later I was diagnosed with Glandular Fever, nicknamed 'the kissing illness'. This was to prove a horrible time and to have a long term effect on me. Initially you have no energy and sleep all the time and it was a long time before I could go back to work. And when I did I went back too soon, as my liver was swollen from Jaundice and I couldn't wear skirts or other close fitting clothes around the waist making sitting at the work bench uncomfortable too.

What they don't tell you when you're diagnosed with Glandular Fever, is that there will be other joyful effects to contend with: Neuralgia; legs cramps; for many years after I would suddenly be hit by overwhelming tiredness and have to lay down and sleep (confirmed by other fellow GF suffers); and depression. My Mother felt I was never the same afterwards.

This was the first time I'd felt like that, but looking back over my life, I certainly think I'd had a lot of issues as a child and I didn't find teenage years easy at all. I was tall and very thin, turned out I was iron deficient, along with a high metabolism, which had kept the weight off. I had low self-esteem, not helped by the fact that as a primary school student I had thought I was stupid. It turned out I wasn't, but I had little praise as a child and my parents weren't big on physical affection either.

A feeling of being misunderstood is something that has continued well into adulthood. when I first meet people, I tend to sit back and observe before jumping in to communicate and because of this people often make the judgement that I'm being stand-offish. I'm not really, I just feel happier to get a feel for who people are first, before I join in, probably a self-protection mechanism.

I had post-natal depression after the birth of my daughter and so when pregnant with my son we prepared to try and avert the recurrence, by having ready hormone replacement to be injected daily for several days immediately after the birth. Sadly this didn't work and I suffered terrible depression after my son was born, to the point that, if I hadn't have got the help I did, when I did, I don't think I would be sitting here now writing this blog.

I've had many bouts of depression since then, thankfully not as severe, but I've only ever seen them as individual instances and not linked, seems stupid now. A few years ago a work colleague pointed out that I always seemed to get down around October time and then start to come out of it in Spring, something else I hadn't realised before. Its amazing how unaware of yourself you can be.

Brittany Missen
In May this year, just before her 20th birthday, Brittany took her own life. She was a twin, one of my sister's four step-children and the same age as my son. I hadn't seen her much over more recent years, but spent some holidays together with my children when younger. My feelings are obviously nothing compared with her family's, but my daughter and I have struggled with it and so I have brought her death into the project, especially as her family have set-up a charity, The Red Lipstick Foundation to provide support, advice and sharing their feelings for families who have lost a relative or friend to suicide. My Mother was a regular church goer and I grew-up to many religious sayings and I can't help but feel, 'but for the grace of God go I' is particularly poignant.

There is huge stigma attached to mental health issues and it's particularly relevant at the moment regarding funding, or lack of, from the Government. I'm hoping I'm going to be brave enough to fully face and explore the 'Black Dog of Depression' and also the 'Black Cat of Anxiety' (as I see it) on this journey, I will do my best, but who knows, it might prove too difficult to do so at times.

Here is a video that describes depression beautifully and simply.


How am I at the moment? "I'm fine"